Mommy FAIL! Parenting SUCKS today.

I promised myself that I would be truthful about my life - I am hoping that writing about the things that make me want to hide will reduce my anxiety and maybe help someone else.

I have a beautiful 14 year old son.  His name is Christian.  He is in his last year of middle school (super sobby tears inserted here).  Isn't he gorgeous??!!

Today, I do not like my son. I love him with my entire heart and would die for him - but I DO NOT LIKE HIM TODAY.

Christian has a very high IQ - he is capable of completing school work at the college freshmen level.  However, he does just enough in school to get by - I have been fighting this battle with him since third grade. 

And I am LOSING this battle.  Report cards came home on Friday - he wants to remain eligible for running track, so I thought no worries he will do fine. WRONG - TWO D's - not high, almost there slugger D's, but just one to two points above an F.  Eligibility at his school just requires that he is passing five classes -RIDICULOUS- so in his mind he remained eligible.

I made him quit track, and I may have went a little high pitched crazy.  Oh I hate these decisions. How do I communicate with -his not fully formed frontal lobe - that he cannot play sports and get D's?  I have tried bribing, threatening, ignoring, counseling, paying and screaming...
I may have went a little cuckoo on his track coach when he called last night explaining my standards over the school's - blah, blah, blah - I think coach feels sorry for my boy.

So today I just sit with this ugly feeling.  I am floundering around in my frustration like a sow in mud after a good rain storm.  I will endure the cold shoulder and rolling eyes - because what my boy doesn't understand is that my heart beats for him...

Radical Truth Telling, Among Christians??

Note to reader:  Middle age, perimenopausal woman - using writing as therapy. Rants are probable.

Blogs are overdone.  WAY overdone - I view dozens of blogs per day - every soul can now post their opinions in a pre-formatted context and send their thoughts all over the blogosphere - for free - I also notice that most blogs are written by women - at least the ones that come my way.

Blogs on the Proverbs 31 Women - or the Titus 2 Ladies (these are Biblical references to perfect women) - the stay-at-home mom that homeschools, farms, and makes all of her 6 children's wardrobes and is always ready for a romp in the marital bed.  I HATE these blogs.  They are NOT relevant to my life, and just inflict HUGE amounts of useless guilt.  I am deliriously tired of having perfect families shoved before me in all facets of Christian media.

 Enough.  It is time to tell the TRUTH!

I turned 40 about three months ago - and I have HAD IT!  I am married (second marriage for all you baptists keeping track of what kind of Christian I am and THIRD marriage for my husband - uh-oh) with two sons, 14 and 8 yrs old.  I live in a tiny single wide trailer with three stinky, snarky, mouthy men.  My older son just got two D's on his report card and thinks being mouthy is an olympic event.  My 8 year old whines with the best of them, seriously, Oscar worthy fits over putting away his clothes (that I have purchased, washed, and dryed).  I have been married for almost 10.5 years to the man I love (most of the time, except when he eats my chocolate and has the gull to disagree with me).  We average at least a once-per-month blow out fight that, I am sure, will be discussed in my sons' future therapy sessions.

I am a recovering religious know-it-all.  I am overwhelmed by the radical love of a very close at hand Savior.  I do not read my Bible enough. I do not pray enough - I am literally life-support dependent on grace and mercy.

My heart rips out for everyday women - just trying to get through each day, each hour.  I think single moms are superheroes!  And, frankly, I am frustrated at Christian society.  A society that is worried about political positions more than the poor.  A Christian society that wants to focus on gay marriage and bash folks trying to figure it all out.  A Christian society that doesn't focus on the sins of bigotry, gossip, and adultery.  A Christian society SO CAUGHT UP IN THINGS, that it isn't willing to give anything to anybody, unless they are deserving and REALLY APPRECIATIVE.  A Christian movement that excuses abuse, theft, and accountability.

I am fed up with church as usual.  Freaking Sunday morning playdates for adults. We don't want to tell the world about Jesus - we want to feel good about our crappy attitudes and selfish, greedy decisions.  We don't want truth - we want to be pacified like a small child - we want our needs met and we don't want to give anything back. 

We are inexcusably ignorant of our own Faith - our own heritage - our own Holy Book.  We want a soothing teaching that will make us feel comfortable with our own mediocrity.  We don't want to actually meet poor people, or even people different from us.  We want to gossip about the woman struggling with five children on her own (she has FIVE different baby-daddies you know).  We crucify each other with unkind words and faulty assumptions.  We hold others to a standard that we would never impose on ourselves.  And we don't sit down and have true conversations with one another - we hide and smile at each other- AND LIE.

And after a lifetime of church people...I am tired.